When
I was young I didn't consider myself very good-looking. It has
taken me until I have nearly lost my looks to realise that I must
have had them.
As
a child I felt I was surrounded by women who were more beautiful
than me. My mother was, and still is, a great beauty, and both
my sisters were incredibly attractive. My older sister Diana
really did look like Brigitte Bardot.
Even
when I was voted the most sedate nude of the year, after I posed
for Playboy in the early seventies, I didn't feel confident
about my looks.
I
didn't pose for Playboy because I thought I had a fantastic
body; It was out of sheer cussedness. They wanted me to do
Playboy when I was in The Nightcomers with Marlon Brando
and I refused because I didn't want to be pushed into it by men
in suits. At the time men in suits frightened me.
A
year later, I was in Jamaica and Playboy asked me again so,
through contrariness. I decided. to do it there and then. I was
practically naked and a lovely shade of brown already so I
thought, why not? And what a silly thing that was to do.
Fortunately,
I have always felt confident in my brain. My brain and me have
always been best friends. Sometimes I tell myself what a stupid
cow I am but I don't think that I am really stupid. I have
always felt more confident about my mind than my body.
But
generally, I think my body is functioning quite well for a
49-year-old mother-of-two. There are some very soft places but
there are also some reasonably toned places. I like polished
nails. It doesn't matter whether my toes show, they always have
polish on.
Trim
and well-oiled is how I would describe my body now. I think I'm
in pretty good order. I'm definitely more shapely now than I
was, say, when I did Tenko. I was almost anorexic then.
I'm never going to get those extra three inches in the leg that
God forgot to give me, but I suppose He did compensate in other
ways and I am able to compensate, too.
I
seem able to appear to be what I want to be. I seem able to play
tall, glamorous women - Sable in The Colbys and Dynasty
was supposed. to be 5ft 9in - and get away with it.
But
now that I feel happy with the way I am, I don't have to be
glamorous any more. Perhaps now is the time to put on a pair of
slippers and play an old dwarf. I certainly haven't had or
intend to have an enlargement or a reduction or any of that
stuff.
Even
now, when I look in the mirror I sometimes see a short, fat
schoolgirl, although I like to think of myself as tall and
willowy.
As
a child I was called little Miss Two-By-Two because I was very
square and solid yet even then I seemed able to metamorphose
easily. I remember when I was about seven, dressing up in one of
my mother's lace skirts, putting a mantilla on and winning first
prize in a fancy dress contest as a Spanish senorita. I was very
lucky as a child in that my parents brought me up to believe
that I could achieve anything.
Even
though I was born with no hearing in my right ear and reduced
hearing in my left ear I wasn't made to feel it was a handicap.
So I was very lucky to start off on such an idealistic route.
Though, if you had told me 30 years ago that I was going to wind
up being a soap star on American television, I would have said:
'Don't be stupid.'
I
do remember when I was four years old having to go up some
stairs at my convent school to present the Reverend Mother with
some gladioli and say 'au revoir, bon voyage' which, to a
four-year-old, was as long as a speech from Shakespeare. I
tripped up over the gladioli and completely forgot what I was
supposed to say.
I
decided then that I would never fail at anything again and I
think it was that determination that sustained me as an actress.
In fact, it took me ages before I was able to say: 'I don't care
If I fail.'
To
many people I may seem like an independent woman with maximum
choices, but deep inside I have only felt like that for about
five years. What happened was that I read a biography of Rita
Hayworth and just burst into tears. I had a total association
with her. I couldn't understand it. I wasn't sexually abused as
a child as she was, so why did I feel so akin to her? I then
realised that it was the fact that she never enjoyed being Rita
Hayworth.
I
started looking back at my own life and realised that when I was
being applauded on stage I would say 'thank you' but secretly
think 'my God, I've got to do it again tomorrow and you'll find
me out' rather than just saying 'thank you' and enjoying it. I
thought I was enjoying myself but I wasn't.
It
was an amazing revelation. I realised that there were all kinds
of possibilities ahead of me. Everybody says you can't work over
the age of 40 in Hollywood but you can. I have and I will
continue to do so. You don't have to leave Hollywood or get a
facelift.
That
all probably coincided with the fact that I learned about the
absolute enjoyment of my own company. I actually enjoy being my
best friend. I don't need a partner to give myself to and,
therefore, find out who I am. And unless you are at peace with
yourself you are not going to be any use to anybody else,
anyway.
I
also gained a glorious understanding of unconditional love. It
takes time but I realised I got that love from my parents and I
have been able to give it to my children. And to my mind,
bringing up my two daughters. Phoebe, 20, and Chloe, 18, has
been the most important job that I have ever taken on.
Since
they were one and three I have had to bring them up as a single
parent because their father, the actor John McEnery, and I split
up. If I had realised how difficult it was going to be I would
never have dared do it. I come from such a middle-class
background where you believed you would marry, have children and
make the best of it. So I never intended to be a single parent.
But
I would say I have definitely been a good mother. There have
been times when I have thrown up my hands and said: 'I don't
know what's right but my instinct is...' and the girls have
known that I've been doing my best. I have had to be the father
as well, particularly since I have been living in America.
I
have had to play good guy, bad guy. I have to be the one who has
said: 'Never mind, darling, your grades will be better next
term,' and also the one who says: 'They had better be better
next term.' I can't do the 'wait until your father gets home'
act.
Inevitably,
I have had to make compromises and one definite compromise has
been not marrying again. All that is now open to me because they
have left home. I have a delightful knowledge that I will get
married again. I now feel that I am available emotionally, and
that is sort of thrilling.
In
the past I have said things like 'marriage is the beginning of
litigation' but that shows what a sad state of mind I was in
when I said it. It showed a bitterness and a sourness and an
inability to move on. I don't feel like that any more. I now
feel that marriage is delightfully possible.
What
makes me know that I will get married again is that I don't need
to be defensive in relationships any more. In the past I've been
like a puppy dog with my tail wagging, waiting for approval. Now
I realise that if I say to someone: 'I love you,' it shouldn't
mean that I am then holding them responsible for my emotions.
I
will always be independent but that doesn't mean I won't be
caring or nurturing. What it does mean is that I can say: 'I
want to go to Alaska. If you don't want to come with me, that's
fine. I'll go and see Alaska, I won't have an affair while I'm
there, and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.' It's all
about understanding that a relationship is about
inter-dependence not co-dependence.
I
do think that one of the lovely things about middle age and
having a bit of success is that everything seems to have come
together in my life. There is no longer the quivering schoolgirl
and the public Stephanie Beacham. We are one and the same and
I'm rather happy with that.
Stephanie
Beacham stars in BBC1's new wartime drama, No Bananas, which
begins tomorrow night at 7.15pm.
